The Cold Stab

I can't believe the first time I typed this site didn't get it through, it took ages and heaps of thinking as well! Well this version is more complete, so I guess thats better...

Well, the weekend and Monday was picture perfect as you can tell from the last post. During that time, I was also thinking about asking "her" out after she said, "the faint hearted never won the fair lady." If she read this, which I doubt, she'll know that I like her, but I'll take that chance. So all weekend and Monday thinking about asking her out. Strangely enough, she made me want to ask by saying that, cause before I was just gonna wait it out. Suprising how the thought of asking can in 1 second change...

In third period, I look up at where the class was meant to be, and she wasn't standing there. that was strange cause shes usually there pretty quick. So after getting to that floor, I notice her bag is there. Brain thinks, maybe she went to toilet (she goes to the toilet a lot). Then later I look, she's there and we were going into class, so why isn't she carrying anything. Looked a little harder, the answer was that the guy I thought she liked was carrying her books for her... It felt like my heart (literally) was being squeezed by some hand really hard... I don't know why he was carrying them, maybe he was just doing cause he wanted to (more like he likes her, cause lots of evidence) or she asked, either way it hurt. It hurts thinking about it... So snap there goes paitence for a while and the idea of bothering to ask. During the rest of the lesson, very snappish for a while, but my friends didnt do anything, so I tried to help as much as possible with their work...

Very jelous (and angry) I admit, not the first time but seeing that made me think during that lesson that it wouldn't be so bad if I traded my soul for something. I never being able to be hurt, but not being able to feel. Bad trade of really, but so tired of this stuff. Maybe trading what I have for complete and utter innocence would be a whole lot better. That guy mentioned isn't actually that bad, he seems nice, and not hard core like the people that he hangs around. Well God asks for paitence and control from everyone. Sometimes I remember i just snap completely, and i hate myself everytime I do. Learning control and regaining my former paitence is gonna take work... Leave everything to prayer....