I won't be satisfied till I see that everything is gonna change

Almost 2 weeks since the last post...

For some reason asking people nicely who read to leave one comment just so I know who does read it doesn't really work... so I guess I'll just type away as usual

As usual university has drained sleep in an inconsistent way since I still can't work ahead of time. Went to the Doulos, so that was different. Just came back from BLT+.

BLT is probably another defining moment in my walk with Christ when I have solidified something that has been prompting and nagging me since the early this year (events at Currimundi has a strange affect on me... probably just coincidence... like QYC in 2006 is a safe time I can actually say I became a Christian... well something then triggered something during the year). I hasn't been until the past month where it was clear what was really going on, which I guess makes me glad I didn't prematurely do something I wasn't ready for again. Researching a certain problem for FiGS I'm sure was God's way of informing me what was currently wrong with me (around then I was relatively comfortable with myself... which is a bad sign...) and also to point me in the right direction. The question was one that I definately didn't want to do because I know that I was compromised and I guess I didn't want to face the music. Doing the research severely showed me the error of what I did before and just how distorted my own convictions had become. Going to BLT+ confirmed what I had decided to do after I got my whack in the head from God, which is good I guess because I've become more humble and more focused as to what I want to do in the future. Ironically (or not) the thing I have to work at is something I admitted is my weakness, which no doubt is going to be a challenge. By God's grace I'll be able to do it without losing what is important to me, like I'm afraid I have done before.

Even when I finally improve on what I have to work on, I still won't be satisfied. The only time where this will occur is once in a lifetime and I can't wait for it to come (also I hope I don't miss it).

The bit where I share stuff I have figured out in "me time":

1) How to curb my ego.

If you can make me believe I have some how seriously failed in something serious in your opinion, then thats pretty much it. Given you know what I take is serious. Even though I might laugh it off at the time, it'll eat at me. Please feel free to do this when I'm up myself or tall poppy syndrome etc.

2) I am a thief.

This started in year 9. I had a conflict of interest with friend A. He had kinda guessed about the conflict of interest and I admitted it eventually, reassuring him that I would gladly let him win the conflict, because I didn't want to steal that which was precious to him (at the time). I remember clearly saying "I'm not a thief."

The next time this came up I think was in year 10, with friend B, who thought I was trying to steal that which was precious to him (jokingly or not... I really don't know). I had to say several times over different occasions before that eventually went away (once again I used those words).

The next occurance would be last year. This time I stole. Even though I didn't think of it in that way at the time I believed that I was better than friend C. What I said and what I did competely contradicted each other. My words were trying to be noble and doing the right thing as a friend, my actions were full of compromise and cowardice because I didn't stop it when I knew it was wrong. The actions felt good, despite the guilty conscience. Yet I continued to do it, always watching my back to see if it could be found out. If an outsider saw and knew some background, they would see I had passed the line. What also makes it that much worse is that C was a brother in Christ, yet I didn't have the patience, self control, respect, or wisdom to stop myself.

Now I wonder whether I should even admit it to C. C believes someone else was responsible and I sat and watched this person take the blame. On the other hand admitting might stir something that has settled.

Undoubtedly some can figure it all (being everything in the post) out in an instant, while others won't. If you ask me personally, I'd be willing to share. However there is obviously a trade of knowledge... your name. Then again you might not want to ask or even talk to me, I know wouldn't because I disgust me and I am not as forgiving to myself as I would be to other people.